Thursday, September 27, 2007

Gone Fishin'

Gone Fishin', originally uploaded by maelid.

Parenthood has really curtailed my creative blogginz. If you take a look at my flickr account, you might think that Ian and I had vanished from the earth along with anything & everything that is not Max. To some degree, you would be right. Parenting for me feels like a permanent state of adjustment. Constantly shifting priorities, schedules and moods to best live in the moment. Especially now that I am back to work. Going back to work is incredibly hard, but not for any of the reasons I anticipated. I miss my leeetle fuzzywumpers like the dickens, to be sure -- but this transition has been emotionally challenging for me mainly due to my inability to accept imperfection & disorganization from myself. I know, I know -- mom, I can literally hear you laughing at that one, but seriously. The time it takes to be an organized working mom is crushing me. Come into my home on the best day and likely you won't find it in perfect order but I think most people are able to accept disorder and move on with living. That acceptance has been impossible for me to find recently and some days have been really really tough. I have been obsessing about cleanliness, organization & perfection to a degree that is just not healthy. Luckily I am married to a wonderfully helpful & supportive man who is a good listener and can usually help pull me out of my head funk and see the upside to things. For me, right now this feels bigger than that. And looking at that sweet funny face above I realize there is so much more at stake now than there ever has been. Post-partum depression affects a lot of women in a lot of different ways. This blog has been one of those things on my mind that has been taking up space. Even though I haven't been updating it, I have felt this pressure to update it, but also an inability to update it because whatever I put up here woudn't be perfect. I heard some congresswoman on the radio the other night talking about the S-Chip program when I was driving home from work. She was urging her fellow lawmakers to pass the bill giving healthcare to millions of uninsured children even though it was not a perfect bill. Her statement was something like "Don't let perfect get in the way of good." I've been repeating this to myself ever since. It really cuts to the heart of where I'm at these days. I've decided to get some professional help for how I'm feeling and I need to cut out of my mind all the parts that are just about inconsequential worries.

So I just need to say out loud that I'm not going to be here for a while. Just to get this off my mind. I'm not saying I won't be back, but it could be a while. Thanks for understanding.


Blogger Catherine said...

You are a wonderful writer and a wonderful mom, a breath of fresh air in two mediums I revere; ain't no bl*g gonna change that.

I love you!

10:10 AM  
Blogger Julia said...

i discovered your blog a while back (just before max was born), i can't even remember how, probably through another crafty blog.

i've been following some of the beautiful photos and occasional posts that you've had up since then.

i can't say that i know you even a little bit, but from reading some of your writings and getting a brief glimpse into your life, i'm glad to hear that you're taking the time to take care of you and your family right now.

if there's one thing i've learned in my few months of blogging and hanging around blogland is that this is a very loving, accepting, and caring community. but also that so many of us at times feel the pressure to live up to others out here, by posting frequently and posting something beautiful and amazing.

take care of you, and we'll see you back here when we see you.

3:22 PM  
Blogger Cindy said...

Robin, you and I don't know each other more than as passing acquaintances, but I am nevertheless really proud of you for seeking help that you need. I would have a baby right now about the same age as Max were it not for a unfortunate miscarriage and it really, really, really affected me in a way that I could not begin to explain except to those who have experienced it before. I hope for nothing but the best for you, because I enjoy reading about you and all things Max!

5:35 PM  
Blogger Tia said...

Oh Robin Robin Robin! Motherhood sent me to the therapist and it was a good good thing for me and continues to be.

I am very hard on myself when it comes to my ability to achieve the unrealistic expectations I've set for myself. Motherhood has caused ME to come into contact with my own failings and limits, and the last thing I want to have failings about is motherhood, but I do. And it's okay.

Balancing work and motherhood is a terrific challenge when you aren't having high expecations for yourself. But add those and it becomes a lot.

Blog SCHMOG, post, SCHMOST. Do it if it helps, but when it feels like you said, another thing you have to get perfect, let it go until it feels friendly again.

OH MY GOSH! MAX, I hate to say it, but he, is perfection.

(But don't tell him that because I think for me, that's where it all mom telling me I was perfect all the time)

11:15 PM  
Blogger Eileen said...

In surgery, the docs say that the evil of good is better. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing a great job! Stupid shit like laundry can wait. Watching your baby grow is precious and an occasional mani-pedi is good for the soul. Take a deep breath and be proud of yourself.

5:40 PM  
Blogger Bonnie said...

This is all brand new stuff. A brand new life, really. Problems adjusting seem only natural. I was floored by your on-the-ball mothering skills when we visited in Portland. I'm so proud of you. We’re sending love from Tokyo to Chicago. I hope you start feeling much better very soon.

5:26 AM  
Blogger Felicia said...

What a cutie pie. Enjoy your break.

8:29 AM  
Blogger paul said...

In France, not only surgeons say it: "Le mieux est l'ennemi du bien"!

Go easy on yourself. The last thing you need to worry about is keeping up on your blog posting! Just take good care, be gentle with yourself -- and beware of those MDs! ;)

10:10 AM  

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